Cinematograph

​I miss her.
And the moments with her,
That are played in my memory
Like on a screen in black and white.
One of those romantic movies from the 50’s,
That you would have seen at the cinema,
When every movie was special
And nobody was missing the color.
In a time before remakes and streaming
When not everything was always available.

Now we think,
that also love is available whenever we want,
or the thing we call love,
the love that lost its value
and the people, we think we love.
In a time, where everything seems replaceable
And nothing is extraordinary,
Under seven billion souls.

I miss her and the feeling of meaningful gluttony,
That I have, when she is with me,
When we laugh or love,
When we cry or hold each other in silence,
When we share each secret
Like it’s a piece of cake
And fall asleep
Like it’s forever.

When we can be ourselves around us,
Standing naked in front each other without hiding our flaws,
And think they are perfect the way they are.
When we don’t want to change each other,
But change through each other
Every little moment seems to be right
The whole life is tinned and preserved
In the vulnerability of a rainbow bubble.

It would burst our imagination
If you wouldn’t just jump from lover to lover
And talk about love,
But stand in love with each other,
Instead of leaving after fights or dull boredom
In search for the next best thing
Before the time has come.

But often we don’t know it better
And if we know it better
We label it under the wrong name
And hide it under the coat of obsession,
The veil of neediness,
The cap of egocentricity,
The mask of loneliness
And under the fear of love itself
And what she could reveal.

I miss her and don’t know any place
I would rather be,
But now I am here alone, among people
Feeling surreal, losing ground
Must tie me down to the street lights
That line the streets at night like fireflies
But never leave this place.
My missing heart dares to speak about the moment
And the meaning of it
While I’m lost in her, lost in thoughts,
And far from here.
But it is her who lets me see
and gives the light and the color and the courage
to do what I want to do.
I would not be here without her
Standing in this place,
​far away from her
missing her, helping me realize my way.

​The world could distract me
from the feeling of missing
but I do not want to be deaf
I want to feel it
I don’t even want to miss the missing
Because it gives me hope and keeps me alive
shows me that a heart beats in my chest
that is willing to give and not only to take
That shows me that I'm capable of loving.

We believe we love someone
when we say "I love you"
We believe that we have found love
but we are blind and deaf for that
what she really is
despite her colors and smells
the songs she plays
I discovered her in the embrace while washing dishes
in chia pudding with fruits in the morning after a night too short,
in laughter about failed jokes,
in discussions of my self-righteousness and her hypocrisy,
in hopes of a common life
despite the restless spirit,
every day with the decision
to spend the day together
As the largest in the smallest
Love is without judgments and expectations
without control and coercion
Love is everything and love is nothing
It is fragile and yet indestructible.

She is attention
when we are the most careless
and insight
when it's hardest for us
She is devotion
as the greatest force
and vulnerability
when we think we have to be the strongest
Love is time in a time
where everything has to be faster and faster
We constantly live in the fear of missing out.
That we miss out on love
Not wanting to bind ourselves to anything
afraid to lose it
or in fear that something better is waiting for us.
We miss love
out of fear of being alone
and having to bind ourselves to the first-best
and not afraid to be good enough

I miss her
and strands of her dark hair on the floor
that reminds me that she is there.
Her chewing, which breaks the absolute silence.
Her breath on my hairy chest.
Her cold feet on my legs.
Her inimitable ability to fall asleep
and letting me be awake next to her.
I miss her and every part of her.
She is special for me,
More special than the word special
but I think I know
that one day the movie will end
and it was not forever
that the moment will come
where we should let each other go.
Until then I bloom every moment
and I hope to be wrong
in this cinema of love.